Religion had been his biggest undoing. He doesn't want to condemn christianity or any other religion, but religion was his greatest vice; it strongly influenced, shaped and affected his entire life and not in a totally positive manner. Religion meant he failed woefully in the University.
Imagine the irony of someone who never took below the first five positions during his formative schooling years having six carryovers in a single academic session. Religion meant he never had time for anything - friends, family, relationships; hell, he never had anything close to a social life. Religion made him a perfectionist, and blinded his eyes to reality.
He was made the youngest pastor in his district when he was in his second year in school. It made him think of himself at a level above human; as a surrealistic being. He wanted to set a model and prove his appointment was well deserved, and as such, never queried assignments he got no matter how arduous. As early as 7am on weekdays, whereas he ought to be getting ready for classes, he would get calls mandating him to report to the second campus for outreach programs. He never complained, after all, it was the Lord's work.
His pockets always had deep holes in them as a result of the different functions he was responsible for. As such, he'd borrow money to get to the venue, most times on a totally empty stomach, and spend hours talking to prospective converts with a facade of a smile permanently, and weakly, plastered on his face.
After the day's events, he'd borrow money once more to return back to his campus. The scant friends he had left were all tired of him. He bore the identity of a constant borrower, his regularly slouched and ragged shoulders giving away his ebullient smiles.
Nobody seemed to care among his Christian family. Rather than encourage him mentally and physically, he'd get warned most times not to get lax so he does not deviate and lose his zeal. He does not want to denigrate any spiritual leader as he still has a huge, undying respect for his pastor, but he doesn't think he'd ever recover from the effect of his overzealousness. He was living a painful life inwards, but never lost his outward eferverscence
Do you want to talk about tithing? He sold his first laptop and the phone sent by his Uncle in the abroad for a price five times less to sow a seed for his pastor's birthday. He was broke and only surviving thanks to his few friends. At age 21, as a student, he owed a debt of #65000 to the church. He was academically dysfunctional, socially inept, and mentally disorganized and was precariously teetering on the verge of depression.
Telling and reliving his experience is as infuriating as it is daunting; it's like a painful reminder. But he is certain of the relief he would get. He doesn't know if I feels any regrets, he just thinks telling this will be his personal therapy. Religion used and discarded him. He had this huge reverence for downright proud people, clad in white on the pulpit, who saw themselves as mini-gods and the congregation as footstools.
The unsavoury scales started falling off his eyes the day he found out the only person he called a mentor; the only person he had met to guide and provide a foundation for him, to set his path right; the only person he wanted to become an exact replica of, had actually slept with more than half of the female choristers.
He, who had dedeaned every social aspect of his life and had taught him the essence of keeping a respectable distance from the opposite sex had impregnated the female leader of his church. It had all apparently been false chastity.
He thinks he's said enough. He doesn't know if he's venting the frustrations of a terribly mismanaged early university life, but he knows at this current stage, he'd lost every zeal and passion for religious subjects. He doesn't think he's become an unbeliever, he just does not want to care again. Not caring also includes the three girls he currently keeps for their benefits since he cannot stop conditioning his mind to see them as anything else than sinners.
He will be better, he hopes so. But until he gets to the end of the tunnel, he'd savor every moment of the life religion took from him.
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